Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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