i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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