Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You smell like stripper and shame
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
