i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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