So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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