i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
