I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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