i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
