i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
