Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
