Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Let's get the cat blown out
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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