The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
