Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
