does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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