My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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