the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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