Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
the condom got lost in my hair
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
