woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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