Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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