You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
