I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
