my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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