i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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