Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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