last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
