we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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