Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
