do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
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