I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
