i permit you to call me
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
