When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
3 2 1 whiskey
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
