the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
