I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dicks are not precious.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
