If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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