my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
