K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I need a beard to bite.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
