Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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