someone threw a dead crab at me
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
