just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
