On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
