you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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