he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
