i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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