Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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