I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
