i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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