just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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