im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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