i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
