nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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